I have always measured the timeline of my life by who I was with, the company I kept.
Sad right?
This made my own life and the steps along the way seem.... Unimportant.
Being 'Part 1 of 2' is not every little girls dream, yet before I knew it there I was basing every hope, every dream I ever had around what someone else wanted.
Recently I have had a strange sense of self discovery.
I began looking at my cold past (and future) as a personal experience.
Entering my life, these people have left behind pieces for me to clean up, dispose of.
What I used to think of as garbage, or baggage if you must, I now see as a type of gift.
An offering to who I have become and who I will become in the future as I continue to grow and learn more about myself as a person.
Warmth begins to take me ..........
I started piecing together the feelings I had when each of these people 'hurt' me, the air started to clear, my mind and body started to feel lighter....... warmer....
Forgivness sets in....................
Dear Chewy:
You caught my eye instantly.
Big, strong, exactly what I needed, exactly when I needed it. I felt so safe in your arms, so.... at home. The feeling of actually being myself in a relationship, my true self, was never an option until I met you. I fell for you hard and fast. In my mind you were the end of the line. Regardless of any insecurities or how unsure I was about anything in my life, I was sure about you.
You. You singing in the shower, you being the biggest most loveable geek I had ever had the opportunity of knowing. You who loved me for everything I was and more.
Until you didnt.
Unfortunately for me you were growing as a person too. Growing away from me and our dreams together. You started to withdraw, become bored with me, our life.
I was caught in the crossfire.
I lost a part of myself then, a part of myself that was adored, never to be seen again.
I spent so much time being bitter and angry and just plain confused about what happened to us. Why didnt you want me? What did I do wrong? What can I do to fix it?
Then we were over.
Being alone without actually being alone is the worst feeling in the world.
I have a few things to say to you..........
I understand that you withdrawing was your way of trying to protect me, figuring it out and trying to make it work. I understand. It was never really about me. Overall, I remember laughter.
You didnt mean to hurt me, this hurt brings me here.......
I love you and thank you.
Yours Truly,
Pouty Pam
My world was spiraling out of control, finally.....solace in the arms of another.
This is how I live my life. When feeling heartache I tend to ask the big question....
Who is next?
Who can wipe my tears, pick me up off the floor and make me feel good about myself again?
Then you were there. A distraction to my pain.
BAM!
Without even healing from the last blow, I find myself in yet another serious relationship.
Hello Ladder 49,
I loved you with everything I had.
What started as a distraction, became the most memorable relationship I had to date.
You were ambitious, young, gorgeous.... a leader. You were everything I aspired to be (or so I thought). You had amazing family values, morals and goals. our relationship was the first time I knew my footing. Those 3 little words didnt have to be shouted from the rooftop.
At a young age, you inspired me........
I started imagining children, a house, a future.
I destroyed us.
I planted the seeds, all you had to do was tend to the garden.... pull the weeds.
Treating me like a child when you were merely a child yourself, still feeling your way through the world. In the end I forced you to make the decision to end it. Deep down it was what I wanted, but I didnt see it at the time.....
This hurt would sink deep.... take me apart piece by piece by piece until I was sure there was nothing left.
I shed my weight in tears, I tore myself apart. What happened? What is wrong with me? Im fucked and I fuck up everything that is good and turn it into a brown stain, never fully to be gone.
After it all I realize you and I were meant to say good bye.
I could never be myself with you.
I couldnt dance, sing or have fun doing the things that were.......... me.
It never fit in to your perfect molding of the future. I almost lost who I was completely, so blind that I was actually ok with this happening to me.
You came into my life and I felt loved. I learned alot about myself as I put my heart back together. You could not change how you felt about me. In life, people change thier hearts and minds and there is nothing we can do about it. It hurt like hell not to be the one to make you happy but I appreciate the experience. I thank you for everything.
Teaching me, loving me, letting me go.........
The last reminants of snow melt from my heart....
I am a stronger person because of you..... Because of us.
Sincerely,
Shirpa
Are you seeing a pattern here?
With every 'failed' relationship I blamed myself. It must be me because it keeps happening to ME, while you sit high, untouched... your pedestal glimmering high........
Though my heart still cold from the winter of my past, I begin to feel.... new, ready for what life has to offer. I realize now that without all of those so called 'failed' relationships I would not be the person I love to be. I know what I want, what I dont want and the kind of person I want to be.
Who can wipe my tears, pick me up off the floor and make me feel good about myself?
I can.
Me.
The truth is, nothing will cure a broken heart.
No matter how you cover it up, sweep it under the rug, pretend those sores and scars dont exist, they remain.
They are a part of you.
Embrace them, love them ....... keep them with you always.
"This storm has brought it's wind and brought me back to life......... "
Dave Matthews
