A Passing Ship

He stood there staring out into the water, the sun beating down on his face.

He watched her in all her beauty, sail across the waves, the salty water caressing her proudly, gently, understanding her importance to the body around her.

Her mast stood high and proud, white sails danced with the breeze that complimented the hot summer day.

Her bow beautifully dressed with the statue of a woman. Her naked body perched there, her graceful arms open wide welcoming the world around her.

He stood there overwhelmed by the vision before him as though seeing it for the first time.

Closing his eyes to the sun he tried to remember how it felt to be upon her, safe, warm and comfortable.

How it felt to be home.

He thought maybe if he was strong enough he could hold onto the memory of that feeling just a little longer, maybe even forever. He knew the thought was foolish but he held his eyes closed trying to find it again. When he opened them, the gap between them had grown larger. He watched as she sailed further and further from the shore where he stood. He wanted to reach out and stop her from disappearing into the vast sea forever, yet his hands remained at his sides, his arms unable to do what his heart so desperately wanted.
The silver etching on her body glistened in the sun until she had sailed so far from him all he could see were the intricate details on her stern shining like small diamonds in the distance.
The waves of his heart slowed, eventually stopping all together.
As she sailed out of sight, a piece of him sailed with her, never to return, in its place a ghostly pain remained, a pain he would feel in his chest forever.

It Bells ... Clearly

The Walls begin to crumble,

the rubble starts to gather at my feet....

Every rock kicks up new dust......

Covering me, blurring my vision.

I wave my arms in front of me...

Nothing but dust....

I call out to you...

Isolation closes in on me.

Nothing but dust....

I take a blind step forward...

I lose my footing...

I call out to you...

I lay there among the ruins, dust of what used to be all around me.

Its all real now.

I can taste it. It tastes old, like death.

You were always there to keep me secure ....... keep me happy.

Where are you now when I need you most?

There is nothing........

Only me.

Is this the end?

I'm so alone, in a flash it all changed.

Everything.

Where there should be panic there is only a strange sense of peace.

I stand up, I brush the dust from my body.

My head is high.

In the distance beyond the sound of rocks and dust settling, I hear a faint sound....

I am shocked to find the sound is my own heartbeat, hidden in this storm.

With the dust of yesterday now under my feet, I feel a new sense of purpose.

This is the end....

A smile forms on my dust covered lips....

For in the end...... Is a new beginning

Your Song

The song begins, I see your face.
I close my eyes, hanging on...... closer to you.
Closer to us.
My heart is there.
Your touch, Your hand on my skin, your hand, brushing the hair from my face.
I feel you there...

I can't open my eyes for fear of you fading away forever, gone for good.

My heart sinks as I know this to be true.

I take it all in. I know this will be the last time....
The last time I feel your touch, watch your eyes look into mine...
I see you so clearly ....
I take a deep breath in, the air fills my lungs, your scent takes over me.
Your very memory consumes me.
I want this to be real.
I want this forever....

These Old Bones

I have always measured the timeline of my life by who I was with, the company I kept.

Sad right?

This made my own life and the steps along the way seem.... Unimportant.

Being 'Part 1 of 2' is not every little girls dream, yet before I knew it there I was basing every hope, every dream I ever had around what someone else wanted.

Recently I have had a strange sense of self discovery.

I began looking at my cold past (and future) as a personal experience.

Entering my life, these people have left behind pieces for me to clean up, dispose of.

What I used to think of as garbage, or baggage if you must, I now see as a type of gift.

An offering to who I have become and who I will become in the future as I continue to grow and learn more about myself as a person.

Warmth begins to take me ..........

I started piecing together the feelings I had when each of these people 'hurt' me, the air started to clear, my mind and body started to feel lighter....... warmer....

Forgivness sets in....................

Dear Chewy:

You caught my eye instantly.

Big, strong, exactly what I needed, exactly when I needed it. I felt so safe in your arms, so.... at home. The feeling of actually being myself in a relationship, my true self, was never an option until I met you. I fell for you hard and fast. In my mind you were the end of the line. Regardless of any insecurities or how unsure I was about anything in my life, I was sure about you.

You. You singing in the shower, you being the biggest most loveable geek I had ever had the opportunity of knowing. You who loved me for everything I was and more.

Until you didnt.

Unfortunately for me you were growing as a person too. Growing away from me and our dreams together. You started to withdraw, become bored with me, our life.

I was caught in the crossfire.

I lost a part of myself then, a part of myself that was adored, never to be seen again.

I spent so much time being bitter and angry and just plain confused about what happened to us. Why didnt you want me? What did I do wrong? What can I do to fix it?

Then we were over.

Being alone without actually being alone is the worst feeling in the world.

I have a few things to say to you..........

I understand that you withdrawing was your way of trying to protect me, figuring it out and trying to make it work. I understand. It was never really about me. Overall, I remember laughter.

You didnt mean to hurt me, this hurt brings me here.......

I love you and thank you.

Yours Truly,

Pouty Pam

My world was spiraling out of control, finally.....solace in the arms of another.

This is how I live my life. When feeling heartache I tend to ask the big question....

Who is next?

Who can wipe my tears, pick me up off the floor and make me feel good about myself again?

Then you were there. A distraction to my pain.

BAM!

Without even healing from the last blow, I find myself in yet another serious relationship.

Hello Ladder 49,

I loved you with everything I had.

What started as a distraction, became the most memorable relationship I had to date.

You were ambitious, young, gorgeous.... a leader. You were everything I aspired to be (or so I thought). You had amazing family values, morals and goals. our relationship was the first time I knew my footing. Those 3 little words didnt have to be shouted from the rooftop.

At a young age, you inspired me........

I started imagining children, a house, a future.

I destroyed us.

I planted the seeds, all you had to do was tend to the garden.... pull the weeds.

Treating me like a child when you were merely a child yourself, still feeling your way through the world. In the end I forced you to make the decision to end it. Deep down it was what I wanted, but I didnt see it at the time.....

This hurt would sink deep.... take me apart piece by piece by piece until I was sure there was nothing left.

I shed my weight in tears, I tore myself apart. What happened? What is wrong with me? Im fucked and I fuck up everything that is good and turn it into a brown stain, never fully to be gone.

After it all I realize you and I were meant to say good bye.

I could never be myself with you.

I couldnt dance, sing or have fun doing the things that were.......... me.

It never fit in to your perfect molding of the future. I almost lost who I was completely, so blind that I was actually ok with this happening to me.

You came into my life and I felt loved. I learned alot about myself as I put my heart back together. You could not change how you felt about me. In life, people change thier hearts and minds and there is nothing we can do about it. It hurt like hell not to be the one to make you happy but I appreciate the experience. I thank you for everything.

Teaching me, loving me, letting me go.........

The last reminants of snow melt from my heart....

I am a stronger person because of you..... Because of us.

Sincerely,

Shirpa

Are you seeing a pattern here?

With every 'failed' relationship I blamed myself. It must be me because it keeps happening to ME, while you sit high, untouched... your pedestal glimmering high........

Though my heart still cold from the winter of my past, I begin to feel.... new, ready for what life has to offer. I realize now that without all of those so called 'failed' relationships I would not be the person I love to be. I know what I want, what I dont want and the kind of person I want to be.

Who can wipe my tears, pick me up off the floor and make me feel good about myself?

I can.

Me.

The truth is, nothing will cure a broken heart.

No matter how you cover it up, sweep it under the rug, pretend those sores and scars dont exist, they remain.

They are a part of you.

Embrace them, love them ....... keep them with you always.

"This storm has brought it's wind and brought me back to life......... "

Dave Matthews

The uprising: episode 41

I feel myself being pulled toward you with a single look.
Your eyes finally catching mine.

My breath catches in my chest.... Heart beating like a drum.
I feel your skin against mine, your hands in my hair, pulling me... Wanting me...
I lose control and let you take me.
Desperate for your touch..

I feel you inside me, your lips on my neck.
My body begins to melt, beads of passion dripping from every pore...
Your hands frantically searching for more skin, more contact...
The heat of your breath against my face, whispering... wanting..
A moan, rising in my chest, my body shivering with pleasure.
The moment takes me...
I feel your hands holding my body to yours, grasping at every inch of me...
I press my lips against yours, kissing you eagerly... taking you with me....

Breakdown, Episode 22

As I sat there in the car, listening to the rain beat down on the hood, I thought about what brought me there.
What was it that made me so weak? So ready to give up on anything that could possibly be........ possible.
Then I remembered you.
You in all your infinite wisdom.
You who stole my heart and returned it shattered, broken. Keeping a few select pieces for yourself.
The hours rolled on.
Eventually the rain stopped pounding on the hood, the distant traffic faded into the night. I sat there until my tears were no more and all emotion had drained from my body.
I can still remember the defeat of it all. Nothing had ever hurt like that, nothing had ever ripped my life apart, taking all splendor and meaning.
I remember those hours now, thankful for the misery.
I know myself deeper than ever. My physical and emotional pain, huddled together in that rainstorm each taking turns, blow after blow.
The sun, rising in the distance, my strength rising with it.
The scar on my heart throbbing from the heat....... basking in its glory.
I will love again.

"Dwell on the wreckage.. as it smolders in the rain, but not me..... Im Alive"

All about me. No really.... it is.

Okay... so here is the first thing you need to know.
Its all about me. As someone who loves to write down random thoughts and inspirations I grow tired of explaining myself. One (of many) things I despise about sites like facebook is that anything you write people give you this response "Are you ok?" "Your not talking about me are you?"
Go away.
I am expressing myself, I am getting things off my chest so they dont rot and fester later in life, smelling like 10 year old garbage.
Maybe it is about you, maybe you pissed me off and I feel like telling the world.
On the other hand.... my projective hand, I enjoy writing everything! I am a geek at heart that needs out!! Generally you may read about my many ideas to write my own screenplay or book of short stories or how I believe that I will survive the first zombie outbreak (and hopefully the second).
I am a geek, therefore I am obsessive.
Enjoy.